CONK

Entering a large empty room with a collection of 'rude boi's' in one corner made the ordeal of my first EVER interview even worse. Picture me, walking down to meet Tinie knees wobbling as much as Misha Barton's cellulite, thinking to myself 'play it coool... MAN he's hot.'



Here's what happened:

Hey Patrick (I did my research)

It's Tinie

Tinie Patrick?

Nah, just Tinie

(Told me)

Then something along the lines of this:

How did you become part of this exhibition?
Chris’s people and The Tate got in touch with me. They gave me a couple of books to read up on about where Chris has come from and that, and then invited me down to see the exhibition. Obviously I’d read about the No Woman No Cry picture and then I got to see it. What happened to Stephen Lawrence was a big thing in our community and the whole country. Then I wrote a free style about it.

How does it feel to be number one?
It feels good. I’m just happy that the track has touched so many people who have felt the need to go out and buy it,

Even though ‘Wifey’ was number one in the urban charts for ten weeks?
Yeah you kind of notice the differences in how much it affects the public. When Wifey was in the charts I’d go to certain places and there’d be pandemonium. But now it’s in the national charts you go everywhere and everyone’s really reacting to the track on a word for word background.

You’ve come from a kind of underground background, do you think you’ve sold out a bit signing to a major?
No! Never. Never at all.

Are you working on your album now?
Yes, it’s called The Discovery. I’m working on it with several producers – Labyrinth, who worked on Pass Out has a couple of tracks on there. Expect the unexpected, I’m definitely going to try and get some other people on there.

How many G-shock watches do you really have?
A million…hahah!
(he's probably got a special wardrobe for them, IN HIS AUNTS HOUSE)





Interview called to a halt, Tinie had to get on stage. Hanna (my big sis, arranger of interview) comes over slaps me on the back and says 'Well done', beams at Tinie and says 'Aw, that was her first ever interview.' I was as red as that G-shock.

Tinie 'Aw, I could tell you were nervous, *like talking to a small child* how old are you *would you like a lolly face*'

Me '19. WHY, HOW OLD ARE YOU?'

Tinie '21'

We could so work.




I could even be his




OK THAT WAS ONE OBVIOUS.

c.x

DITTY.

A year and a day ago, I thought to myself 'You know what would be really great?... If I wrote a blog.'

I've had equally successful thoughts in the past... 'You know what would be really great?... If they made a sequel to Speed! (starring Sandra Bullock).'

Then I realised they had. Speed II: Cruise Control.



Only kidding, the first was f****** s*** as well.




Over this past year, some pretty important things have happened that this neglected blog have missed out on.
Here's a quick summary.
No.1 (obvs)

Lady Gaga



Top of the charts on both sides of the Atlantic: check.
Fake(?) penis down trousers in photo shoot: check.
Not one, but TWO duets with the other greatest popstar in the world, Beyonce: check. (Sorry Ke$ha. Maybe next year)

No.2

Twitter

(Favourite Tweeter @heidimontag ("peace, love, joy, hope!")

No.3

This lil guy



No.4

This song



No.5:

This album




Short summary of some of the things that were missed.
In a hurry to carry on yawn raping my cat (see no.3) but I'm going to try to not be a stranger to this blog anymore.

c.x

Feeling Crummy.

I woke up today feeling as bad as Jackie Stallone's plastic surgery. Just incase anyone has forgotten quite how shocking that is, here you go:



I figured that the best thing to do was look at some nice happy pictures.

Exhibit A



Exhibit B



Another good way is to watch films such as The Breed, Final Destination and The Last Gateway because these people are worse off than I am. My cure: lemsip, honey, a couple of chapters of New Moon and a couple of episodes of Nighty Night. The group of 'fun-lovin' youths in The Breed have to go rock climbing with arrows sticking out of their legs to get away from the scary dogs... And the poor kid in The Last Gateway (see trailer below) has a door to hell hiding in his tummy.

It's not ALL that bad.(?)




c.xx

Brief.

I'm worried that I'm wasting the rare witty remarks that pop into my head on @Twitter.
I mean... it's not like I'm a naturally funny gal, like Dawn French. Although...



I think I need to change my hair.

RETROSPECT

Mood: Enervated
To do: Interlude

Ronan Keating was right all along.



Life is a Roller Coaster. This blog is literally the only stable thing in my life at the moment.


This month has been a musically bounteous one.

From Glasto and Blur

to MJ "R.I.P"



and not forgetting Take That



If I wasn't such a wilting coward, I'd talk about 'cool' bands thats 'rocked' Glastonbury and openly criticise how Carl Barat is SO 2002. (Despite his massive comeback at Glasto '09: come 8.00am Sunday morning, equipped with acoustic guitar, singing What a Fuckin' Waster.. super glad i didn't miss that).

Instead. I'm going to write a smallish review to saturate your minds and tell you about the show of the decade. TT.
Sitting somewhat strategically next to Jason Orange's twin brother (J.O being my definite fave) my Mother and I got to enjoy a truly stupendous show. The Circus.

Lady Gaga opened the show. And her legs. It was the second time I'd seen her that week. The second time round I could see more of her face. The first time round she forgot to put knickers on. And also forgot the month... 'Hello Glastonbury, its the 26th of July, I'm Lady Gaga..' June Gags... June.

Now, more importantly, TAKE THAT. I was utterly shocked at how supple 3 out of 4 member were (Barlow, not so much). They even had skills such as:
riding tricycles
holding a leg up to an ear
using their supple hips to create snake like wiggles

I could even go far enough to say these men still have the (se)X factor. (Barlow, Owen, not so much).

The first half of the show held the delights of watching them perform their all time classic 'Back for Good'. What seemed like a giant sprinkler was aimed at the stage. It set the scene:



A giant blow up 'circus ringmaster' dominated the stage in the second half. I wasn't sure if the excitement had made me delirious or the overpriced beer had travelled faster to my head then usual, but to me... it just looked like an inflatable Michael Jackson.


As the show slowly drew to an end, I turned to see J.O's brother crying with happiness and a small child crying in fear at the giant inflatable MJ.

It was Beautiful.




c.xx

EDUCE

I wasn't sure which bikini to buy this year... I thought the Saudi Bikini might be a good idea.



Mood:Amused
To Do: Educe

After a pretty exciting 4 days of touring, I decided today was going to be a day full of my favourite things:
1) Super noodles
2) The Apprentice
3) Googling pictures of beached whales and architeuthis (giant squid)

Last night I went to see Drag me to Hell. I was on the edge of hysteria throughout... Brilliantly fun yet frolicking with gore. THUMPS from devils hooves and crusty old ladies faces that appear from NOWHERE make one panic into delusion. The lead role, Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) reminded me somewhat of myself. We both used to have problems with our weight, we both like money and we've both lost buttons... Well. Mine wasn't taken by an old gypsy lady and cursed but you get the picture. I like her. Drag me to Hell: 8.5/10

Sleeping and living on a tour bus is a very special experience. I was a tour bus virgin until a mere week ago. The close quarters in which you and your 'bandies' (in my case: 'MACHINE') live in creates an automatic Brady Bunch feel. Snuggles whilst watching a night time film. Laughing and joking as you discuss your toilet habits and how terribly hard it is not being able to put anything solid down the toilet. Waking up in your coffin bunk which you gradually grow to love more than your standard 'regular bed'. It really is an adventure. My only complaint is that our tour bus didn't look like this:




Me and a couple of friends have decided to do a 'Come Dine with Me- Goth Special'.
Dinner number one has been and gone. The house of the contender had lights that turned on as you walked into the room. There was a small balcony for those that wanted to smoke. The gravy was NOT bisto but home made. There was even toilet paper in the toilet. I know now that I need to step up my game if I stand any chance of winning. One major let down was the choice of soundtrack to our evening.. Everything I suggested (from Yan Tiersen to The Golden Silvers) was brushed away and we ended up listening to The Greatest Power Ballads. You might think that Power Ballads at a dinner party could be quite romantic. I can assure you, when tucking into your juicy lamb shank and sipping on your goblet of wine, choking on Bonnie Tyler's 'Holding out for a Hero' is not how I imagine the winning Come Dine with Me to be.

Lets hope my choice will go down well. I'm thinking something along the lines of this:



I love setting the mood...

Anyway.. all this talk of lamb shank has made me hungry. Super noodles, here I come.

I'll leave you with a little reminder that the Apprentice final is skulking up on us. My money is on Kate.

c.xx

RUMINATE

I tried out hair extensions this month. I'm still undecided on whether or not they suited me.


Mood: Alleviation
To Do: Ruminate

Its been over a month since my last blog. I don't want to bore you with minor details but SO much has happened.
Such things include:
1) Trip to Thorpe Park (Saw ride, what a let down)
2) Viewing 'Let the Right One in' (new opinion of vampirism)
3) Seeing approximately 11 paedophiles singing The Addams family theme tune in unison (thank you Louis Theroux)

Anyway, it's these years of my life which are the decision making years. The years that map out my paths for the future. This month has been home to some pretty life changing decisions on my part. I decided to abandon my LIFE, my HOBBY, my BOB.

After the initial panic of change, I thought about my options and ruminated over the young adult hood of celebrities for inspiration.
Lets first take a look at Roxy and Ronnie, Eastenders second favourite siblings (Phil and Grant still at number 1).
Rita Jones (a.k.a Roxy)



Now, I'm fully aware that Ipso Facto weren't THAT good but I still have time. Lovin' the dreads Rox.

Samantha Janus (a.k.a Ronnie)



Now, I'm fully aware i can't sing like THAT. But, my latest musical endeavor sees me trying anyway...

Spot Natalie Portman in this.



If she can do it,
I can do it,
You can do it,
WE can do it.

OK. Last one.
(Note, WTF is with the fake applause at the beginning??!!)



All starts to go a bit wrong at the second verse. Really Rhianna? Reallly??

So. There you have it. Some good examples of GOOD things. Real inspiration. Raw talent.

I also just want everyone to take a minute and talk about Kanye West's, 808's & Heartbreak (the soundtrack to my blog-writing). Mr. Hudson, nice work on RoboCop. At least he didn't rinse the vocoder too bad. No wait..


The spring weather outside is calling me. I think I might go and sit in Hyde Park and watch the roller disco. I'll be too busy skating for hating. :)



I'll leave you with some SUMMER LOVE. Lets take it back to Glasto '04. Johnny, over to you.

c.xx